Heartbreak revisited

As I spoke about in my last blog, heartbreak has found my daughter. She and her young man tried to work things out but after a month and a half, he told her tonight that he felt that God was leading him away from her. She is of course heartbroken and doesn't understand how God could lead this young man one way and yet not let her know about it. I think maybe she just didn't watch the signs. I have seen them for the last couple of months but wanted happiness for her. I still want happiness for her. I told her tonight that all I knew to offer her comfort was that if God has plans for these two people to be together then HE will lead them back that way. If He doesn't want them together then it means that God has someone better in mind for both of them. Obviously this was not much comfort coming from Mom. Thank you Lord for others who follow Your will as well. My sister in law offered the same bit of wisdom to my daughter as she cried in a call from Georgia to Pennsylvania. I am blessed to have sisters in law who love God and know that He does have a plan for us all.

Our pastor has been teaching from Psalms 23 for the last six weeks. Tonight we finished the chapter with verse 6. "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Pastor stated that means that God has an over abundance of love for us and gives it to us regardless of whether we are worthy. Mercy is the act of giving to us that which we do not deserve. Grace is the act of NOT giving us what we Do deserve. I am so thankful that in this time of hardship that I have God to turn to. I am thankful that my daughter believes in this same loving God.

Over the last 40 years of my life, I have often strayed from the narrow path. I have many times turned my back on the teachings from my youth and tried to find my own way in this life. I am blessed that God is always there for me and has never turned His back on me even when I turned mine on Him. Sometimes it is hard to remember that He is a loving and merciful father, especially when there is pain in this life.

I wish I had the words and the ability to take that pain from my little girl. But into each life some pain and sorrow and struggle must come. Without it, she would not turn into the person God has in mind. it is much like the butterfly. If you help a butterfly from its cocoon, there is little chance that it will live. A butterfly must struggle from its wrappings on its own so that the wings can be strong to carry it through the feilds and air. Taking pain from my daughter would be what I want to do, but I can't take it away. I can just help to point her towards the Lord and the trust that He will never leave her or forsake her.

Oddly enough, while I am upset that this has happened, I must trust that God knows what He is doing. I can't regret that this young man was a part of our lives for the last year. Without his strong convictions about church, I don't think I would have gone back anytime soon. Without going back, I am not certain where I would be now. God has been my rock for the last year. I am not saying that I haven't stumbled and fallen and strayed still. But I am stronger in my faith today then I had been for many many years. I pray that regardless of what God does in regards to this relationship for my daughter, that HE will bless both her and this young man as they go forward in their lives. I pray too that the friendship manages to survive once the initial heartbreak is releaved.

heartbreak

I am reminded tonight of when I realized my first love and I were not going to be together forever. I am reminded yet again of the heartache and pain that seemed to go along with that realization. At 40 years old I never thought to feel that heartbreak again. I should have known better.

I am blessed by the fact that my teenagers and I are close. I am very close to my daughter and as close with my son as he will let me be. I find my daughter confides just about everything to me. My son is more private but knows that I am here for him whenever he wants me to be and sometimes when he doesnt want me to be.

Because of this closeness, I am heartbroken to know that my daughter is in pain. She had some news today that hurts her and I just want to wrap her in bubble wrap and not let anyone near her who could bring her pain again. I know this is not realistic. I know that God has someone out there that will be HIS plan for her, not mine. I know that God is all powerful and allmighty and all loving. I know if I would shut up and listen HE would be whispering "I have it all in MY hands, let it go". Knowing it mentally doesn't take the emotional pain from me. I hurt for my daughter. I am angry for her. I am thankful that God stepped in and gave me the words she needed to hear tonight as I tried to give her comfort. I am glad that I was able to let those words flow. Now my sinful nature steps in and wants to be angry. I AM angry. Why couldn't this young man be the mature person I thought he was? Why didn't he handle this situation better? WHY? WHY? WHY?

And then God takes ahold of me again and reminds me that this young man is just that YOUNG. That he is as confused and uncertain of where his life will lead as my daughter is. That he doesn't understand what is happening any more than she does. And God tries to heal the heartbreak and remind me again, in HIS quiet voice that I need to shut up to hear, that HE knows what is best for my child. That HE will always take care of her. That I gave her to HIM when she was born and I need to stop trying to take her back.

As I reminded my daughter this evening, God is working a tapestry of her life. HE knows the way the picture is meant to turn out. All we see is the work from below, the knots and threads that don't make a pretty picture. I told her that tonight we are working on a big knot. But that God will work this out in HIS way and we just need to trust Him. Trust is a big issue for we mere mortals and yet without it there is only heartbreak and hurt.

One of the things that always amazes me is the way different traits are passed on from one family member to another. My display picture is a sign of that.
Gramma Ratchet is my Great Great Grandmother. Her daughter, my Great Grandmother, is Gramma Loper. Her daughther, my Grandmother, is Gramma Beebe and her daughter, my mother, is Grammie. The picture just below those 4 black and white pics is of my three sisters and me. Then the children belong to three of us girls.
The thing that amazes me in all of this is to see 6 generations of family and see all the traits we have similar. We all have similar chins and many of us have similar cheekbones and eye shapes.
Until I got this set of pictures together (thanks mom for the grandmothers and you)I had thought that my sister Amy looked more like my dad's side of the family. I also had never realized until now, how much my sisters and I look alike. I see many of our traits in our children.
Erinne's girls look a lot like her. Amy's girls look a lot like her as well. My children have traits in common with me but also look like their father's side of the family. However, my son looks a lot like my cousin.
It would be interesting to be able to add all of Gramma Beebe's grandchildren and great grandchildren to this set of pictures and see how much we all look alike.
We even have similarities in personality I think. While Darren, my son, looks a lot like my cousin, Scott, I think he acts more like my cousin, Trevor, who rarely sits still. Darren also inherited an artistic ability from this family. He does things his own way but the child can draw well.
My daughter, Lisa, loves to do crafts and I believe that came from this family as well. Most of us like to do crafts of one form or another and if we don't do them ourselves, we are able to appreciate the work that the other puts into them.
It makes me wonder what crafts or artistic abilities Gramma Rackett and Gramma Loper had. I know they quilted some. I wonder if it is something they enjoyed doing or if it was done out of necessity.
It pleases me to know that they passed these abilities to my grandmother who passed them to her daughter and to me and my sisters. I am glad that I have passed them to my daughter as well.

My Birthday Approacheth.

My 40th birthday is rapidly approaching..... I only have 9 days left of being 39. I am fighting against this with my whole emotional being. I really don't wish to be 40. When I was the little kid on that stump, I never believed 40 would come. Back then being 40 was OLD!!!!!!! Of course now that I am so much closer to that age, I know that it isn't old at all. And yet.....

I don't suppose it helps much that I will be facing this milestone alone. My children will be with me but my husband, who I was counting on to make fun of this day, will be away. I am being an ADULT and facing my day without him. He is taking the opportunity to visit with his family on a suprise trip to PA. He will be gone for the entire week around my birthday. He nonchalantly announced the legnth and time of his trip to me during lunch on New Years Day. This was the perfect time to announce it since we were in public and it was a day I was bound not to have anger at him since I refuse to let my year be spent in anger at him. I am still not angry at him for this. I know that a trip to his parents is important. He needs it and so does his father. I just regret that it will be without the rest of us there.

The picture of the little girl on the stump is appropriate for this post. It was liberated (stolen) from my mother's stash of pictures while my sisters and I were trying to get a suprise video made for my mother's 60th birthday. How appropriate that it be used here when another milestone birthday approaches. I am the one at the top, my brother is in the middle and my middle sister is at the bottom. There are 2 more sisters who came along after this picture was taken.